You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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