I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
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I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
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He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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