Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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