probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
