Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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