It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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