I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
