I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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