Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
