My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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