hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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