I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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