You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
