True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
