He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
