ya dads aren't the best wingmen
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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