i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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