We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's official drugs can't kill me
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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