Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
