I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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