she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
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I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
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A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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