my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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