Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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