only you would photoshop your dick
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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