I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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