Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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