If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
