she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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