I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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