I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
