Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
