Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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