Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
