Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
