since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
