I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have peed in a lot of sinks
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
