dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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