The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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