It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
