oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
