Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
