Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
