So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
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The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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