dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
