I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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