I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
