The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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