Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
