Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
