Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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