I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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