i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
