My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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