On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
