By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You may now shotgun with the bride
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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