What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
