he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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