I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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