We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
