I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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