I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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