planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
