i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
